


We both know it isn't time

by tjraml



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:43:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tjraml/pseuds/tjraml





	We both know it isn't time

"Come on dude, we're supposed to be writing music here." I said. "Haha, hey this was your idea for me to get twitter and now you want me off of it?" Mike said. "Sorry man, just a lot on my mind today." I said. "What did you seriously think they weren't going to ask me about you on here? Right. They love you man. When I said you were in the shower, I think I actually heard cell phones drop, the feed went nuts." Mike added.  
"Oh yeah it's sweet, I don't mind that, you deal w/ how to answer those questions." I said. "Then what is it?" Mike asked  
I got up and left the living room and went to my bedroom. "something I said?" Mike asked. "No." I said as I walked away. Mike hadn't done anything, intentional. When he told me he saw on twitter that I was at Disneyland with Adam, my heart sank, so I quickly tweeted that I was listening to a new CD so people would know it wasn't me who was enjoying Adams company right now. But I had a good idea who it was. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked on of the pics from Disney. Just as I thought, Sauli and Adam were at Disney. Why couldn't I just open up to Adam and let him know how I felt. Now I felt like it's almost to late and that made me sad.

 

Everything changed once we got to Europe for the end of the tour. Things seemed lighter, happier, more laid back if that was even possible. I got a little more comfortable on stage, maybe a little late but, still I was starting to enjoy Adam and me on stage. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it, to him. I do like girls. But Adam, well Adam most definitely makes me question myself. I guess I never really thought of a guy, until Adam and I started fooling around. I mean I think he can sense something, but he's never really seriously said something about it. He's joked around about things... That's about it. But what he didn't know is, I wasn't joking.  
Mike came in the bedroom "What's up Tommy? Come on let's write some stuff." "I really don't feel like it sorry, maybe we'll try again tomorrow, ok?" I said. "Whatever, I got off Twitter, seemed like something was bothering you and I gather it wasn't actually me being on Twitter that was the problem, right?" mike said. "Sorry, really, it's not you." I said and turned towards the window. "You wish it was you in Disney tonight though, don't you?" Mike said

 

I didn't answer him. How the hell could he know? Was I really that obvious. Damn it. I tried so hard to make it look like an act. But sometimes, I couldn't help myself. I left myself give into Adam when he kissed or touched me a certain way. This is my own fault. People don't seem to think I'm all that shy, but when it comes to some things, I just clam up and close down. That's usually when everyone seems to think I'm upset or the good old 'He hardly smiles except when he's around Adam' comments start coming out a lot. Ha if fans only knew how happy I really am up on that stage with him. "Come on Tommy, let's go make some popcorn and Horror movie of your choice, ok?" mike said. "Sure, why not!" I answered.

Two beers and a bottle of white wine down and only half way through Friday the 13th, I was feeling a bit more relaxed. Mike started with the questions again. I tried to ignore him. "So when did you know you 'felt' something more for Adam?" Mike startled me with that question "What??" was all I could answer back. I had no clue, one day he touched me and I got chills up my spine and with every kiss it got more intense. "Sorry, I was just, um.....curious." Mike said. "Ha, curious. That's a very good word to use here. I guess I was always kind of curious but never really acted on it. It wasn't a big deal " I said. We watched the rest of the movie, opened another bottle of wine and decided to watch another movie. "Hmm how about Interview with a vampire?" Mike said. "Sure, I haven't seen that in awhile. Brad Pitt is hot in that movie." What the hell did I just say? Oh who cares anymore. Mike just looked at me and laughed. "What?" I asked. "Nothing, I've just kind of always been curious myself a little." Mike said "Really? Dude you know, we may be a little to drunk for this conversation. Then again that's usually when the truth spills out, haha". I said. "Yah same for me, sorry man, didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." Mike said "Didn't make me uncomfortable, I'm good" I said.

 

A little while later I heard Mike say "Tommy you ever hear the saying if you can't be with the one you love......" "Love the one you're with!" I sang. Mike and I laughed. Then, mike put his hand on my thigh, I thought he just needed some leverage to stand up. But he kept his hand there and turned towards me and gave me a kiss on the lips. Just a quick one, but I was kind of shocked. I just looked at him and said "Ok, I'm drunk, what do you want to experiment with me or what, hahhaha?" Mike laughed. "Oh why not. You wanna know what it's like to kiss a guy? Guess it's better to try with someone you know rather than a stranger, I guess." I said. "Well now I feel silly." Mike said. "Ah sit back and watch the movie". I told him.

 

We were half way through the movie and both feeling fine. When all of a sudden Mike decides to lay down on the couch and put his head on my lap. Not that this hasn't happened before. We are very comfortable around each other, but I think back to what he just asked me a little while ago and of course this takes on a whole new spin. But he just lays there. Nothing. Great now I'm going to overreact everytime the guy moves around me. I relax and start watching the movie again. I must have started to fall asleep when all of a sudden I feel something rubbing between my legs. I'm half unconscious so of course I get hard. I come to my senses and realize it's Mikes hand. He kept it up and I didn't move. Suddenly he opened my button and then pulled on my zipper. Then slid his hand inside. What the fuck? Mmmmmmm I'd stop him but it felt so damn good.  
"Ahhhhhhhhh" I moaned. Mike rubbed a little more, then pulled it out of my pants. "Fuck, dude, what are you..........." I whispered as he took me whole into his mouth. I could feel he had me whole as he licked all the way back up to the head and back down again I couldn't move. For someone who was just curious, he seemed to know what to do. Oh God it felt so good I just let my head fall back as he got up and knelt in front of me, giving me a 'are you sure this is ok' look. I just nodded. Damn he was good at this, I couldn't control myself. I grabbed him by the hair and just started fucking his mouth. "Aww fuck where'd you learn to do this?" I grunted. Then I slowed down, shit what if he never did this before. He started to cough and sat up. "I'm really sorry. I didn't , I mean I don't, I shouldn't have grabbed you hair like that" I said.

Mike got up and just looked at me and said "It's ok, it was my idea anyway, I'm the one who brought this whole thing up". "So you're not mad at me?" I asked. "No, why, why would I be mad, you got into it, I just couldn't, well, sorry I gagged." Mike said. "I thought you never..........um....." I started to say. "Well I know what I like and it's not like I've never seen videos." Mike said. "Ok, well excuse me I need to try to make it to the bathroom, I'm a little uncomfortable and drunk." I said. "You want me to finish you off?" Mike asked.  
I actually had to think about that for a few seconds. "Why not. You've already seen everything now." I must be really drunk because I don't even care he's doing this to me, but it feels so good. "OH shit, this is so fucking wrong, why does it have to feel so fucking good. UHHHHHH.....son of a bitch. I can't wait any longer, move your head or you're gonna get a mouthful, I'm gonna cum." I moaned. Mike moved and it spilled all over my jeans "Ahhhhh damn it" I said. I half opened my eyes to see Mike staring at me. I wasn't sure what to do. I just closed my eyes and let my head fall back.

 

Mike threw me a towel. "Here clean yourself off." Mike went into the bathroom, I could hear him brushing his teeth. Great that's all I need is awkwardness with my roommate. What the hell were we thinking. He came out, went to the fridge, got a beer "You want another one?" he asked me. "Sure?" I answered. Then he came back over, sat back down on the couch with me, handed me the beer and turned the TV back on. I just sat there in the silence between us. A few minutes went by and Mike said "You ok Tommy? I'm ok if that's what you're worried about. I was curious and you needed to have your mind taken somewhere else for awhile. We cool?" I was seriously dumbfounded. "Uh, yah. If you're ok, then so am I." I said.  
The next afternoon I woke up w/ one hell of a headache. Didn't do much, just stayed in played video games, checked mail and Twitter. Knew what the next day was. It was Adams Birthday and I knew they'd both be at the party.

 

I knew everyone on twitter was waiting for a tweet from me to Adam. I just didn't know what to say. Couldn't very well tweet what I really wanted to say. So I chose 'Happy birthday baby boy!! Love ya man.' close enough. That was kinda the truth. The first tweet was just to be funny about not knowing who's birthday it was. I knew Adam had been seeing him off and on and I was pretty sure it was a done deal that they were a couple, to his friends that knew them anyway. I started getting ready for the party, going over in my mind what I would say to Adam when I saw him.

Almost everyone was there a few friends missing but it was nice to see them all again. This is where I am happiest, with them. We drank, we ate, we all talked. Then Lisa asked if she could get a picture of us all together. I ended up in the back with Adam. We put our arms around each other and I couldn't help but give him a kiss on the cheek. It seemed so natural anymore. When I looked to my left I was getting the eye from him. Oh please I thought, we do this everynight get over it. Lisa asked "is it ok with everyone if I post this on Twitter, for the fans?" We all said sure. We all went back to mingling and found the photobooth.  
What a good combo, picture taking and a bunch of drunk people. It was fun though. He wasn't around too much. I stayed right by Adams side, didn't seem to bother Adam one bit. We were having such a great time I had forgotten almost that I had brought a date, oops. Not a date, date just so I wouldn't have to come alone. Because I knew Adam wouldn't be alone. Besides she mingled, a few people already knew her anyway.  
The night turned into morning. Somewhere around 3am I told Adam I was going but I had to talk to him, soon.  
Adam said sure call me tomorrow. I gave him a hug and said 'happy birthday'.  
Then I said goodbye to everyone else. When I got home, I couldn't sleep. No one else was home, funny it's 4am. They must all be out having a good time. The quiet was nice, for about 15 minutes.

 

I waited until 6am, I couldn't wait any longer. "Hello, yah sorry, I just really need to talk to you....I know what time it is.....um you can come over here, no one else is home......ok, I'll see you around 8." I hung up the phone. That was the longest 2 hours of my life, I swear. I heard a knock on the door. "Coming" I said.  
"What is it Tommy? What is it that can't wait? I haven't even been to bed yet, obviously neither have you...." Adam said. "There's just something I need to get off my chest, but it's not that easy" I said. "Really Tommy, you call me, scare me half to death, I rush over here and you clam up? What's with you lately?" Adam asked. "What's with me lately?" I said back. I walked away into the bedroom. I wanted to cry. But I was not going to show him that this bothered me that much. Adam came in a few minutes later after me. "Tommy, come on, it's me. Why the attitude?" I couldn't even look at him, this was a bad idea. What was it going to help now telling him how I felt, it was too late. Just then I felt hands on my shoulders and he spun me around and shook me. "Tommy for crying out loud, what the fuck is the matter with you?" Adam yelled. "You really have no clue, do you?" I screamed back. We stood there and just stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, but was probably no more than a few seconds.

 

Then Adam shoved me onto the bed. Grabbed my hands and put them above my head and held them there. He was sitting on top of me and wouldn't let me up. "Tommy I swear, if you don't start talking to me, I'm gonna leave." Adam said. A tear fell from my eye, of course Adam had to see it even though I turned my head. "Are you, crying?" Adam asked. I didn't answer. All I saw out of the corner of my eye was his face, confused. He still hadn't let go of my wrists. "What do you want Tommy? This? Me?" Adam said. I closed my eyes tight to hold back any other tears that might fall, but one slipped out. He had to know my answer now, he had to know the answer was, yes. I wanted him to stay here, with me.

 

"Tommy, open your eyes. Look at me." Adam said. "I can't" I said. "Why?" he asked. Then Adam moved his hips on me, how I wish he wouldn't have done that. "Seriously Tommy!" Adam said. Great well I guess he could see or better yet feel the answer to his question. I turned my head to look at him. He bent down, our lips were so close they were almost touching. "You want, me? All this time and you wait until now to let me know this?" Adam asked. I couldn't concentrate with him this close. I could now feel he wanted to be here as much as I did. "Please let go of my wrists, it's starting to hurt Adam." I said. "No I don't think so, not yet, not until you start talking." Adam said.

 

"I don't know why I never said anything before. But now, well, it's obviously too late. But somehow I had to let you know, I had to get it off my chest." I said. "Well, do you feel better now?" Adam asked. "No" I responded. "Is there something that would make you feel better, Tommy?" Adam whispered in my ear. All I could do was let out a sigh. Then Adam started kissing my ear, down my neck, he found my nipple w/ his lips through my shirt. "OW FUCK THAT HURT!" I screamed. But yet if felt soo good. "Oh, so you can speak, does that only work if I, bite you?" Adam laughed. "No" I said softly. He found my lips. Oh did Adam know how to kiss. I missed this so much, night after night. I loved his tongue in my mouth, it turned me on so much.  
He finally let go of my wrists. "Don't put those hands down" Adam said. He pulled up my shirt and started kissing my chest "You should get a nipple ring." Adam said. "Huh, what, oh, no thanks" I said. He started unbuttoning my pants and pulled them off along w/ my underwear. I started to sit up, he took off my shirt and then took off his. He looked at me with a look I have never seen in his eyes before. Then he kissed me, hard, back down into the pillow. "I really wish you had said something before because every feeling I ever had for you pent up inside is screaming to be let loose right now." Adam said into my mouth. I wasn't expecting to hear that at all. It just made me want him more. "You have no Idea Adam" I said. "Oh believe me, I do" Adam said.

"Adam, but what about......." I started to say. Adam kissed me. A kiss that made me forget my name,  
let alone the question I was going to ask him. This was everything I had wanted, building up over the past few months. "Wait" I mumbled. "What, wait, why?" Adam asked. "I know what I want, but you have a boyfriend now, Adam." "Well, sorta, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I've wanted you since the first time I laid eyes on you, Tommy. I can't just walk away from this. You are just to irresistible for your own good, do you know how appealing you are? The way you smirk, your eyes, the way they sparkle, you speak with your eyes and those lips oh they are just perfect for kissing. What I feel for you is real, but we work together, so I never even thought about, well, anything like this, happening. I mean it's not like I've never thought about, ya know, you. But, I didn't want to make anything uncomfortable between us. I love you in the band and don't want to lose you. So, whatever happens tonight, my feelings and respect for you won't change, it just isn't time, for us." Adam said. My heart sank for a moment, but he was right. This would never work, not now anyway. We were just beginning our careers and who knows what was going to happen after GNT was now over. "Yah, I guess you are right. Huh, funny how things work. Well at least we know where we both stand with each other. I needed to tell you this and I needed to hear you say how you felt to me. " I said softly. "Tommy, I love you. All of you. Your different , but yet, not. You were a great addition to this band and an even better addition to my friends. We can't, not now anyway. I hope you really do understand." Adam said. "Yah you love all of us we are a family...haha." I said w/ a lump in my throat. "No, Tommy you are different, you, are special to me. Yes I do love you all, but, you're my kitty......and now I want to play with you." Adam whispered in my ear.

 

Oh that sent shivers down my whole body. Adam rolled over. I rolled over on top of him, kissing him, he was letting me have the upper hand for once, not like on stage where he was always the dominant one. God I love exploring his body w/ my hands, my mouth. I loved hearing him sigh and moan in that low voice. I couldn't control myself. I grabbed Adams cock and started to slowly, softly rub up and down. "Tommy, are you sure about this?" Adam asked. "About what I'm doing or why I'm doing it." I said. "Um, both I guess." Adam said.  
"Yes, I don't think I have ever wanted anyone the way I want you" I said. I took my cock in my other hand and pumped us both at the same time. This drove Adam crazy. I smiled. Adam dug his fingers into my thighs and was moaning. I backed up so I was between Adams legs. "Tommy....oh God, I wanna feel those lips around me" Adam said. I bent down and kissed the head of his cock, then slow little circles around the tip. I felt him twitch. "You like that?" I asked. All I got from Adam was a breathless "Yes." I proceeded to slowly lick from the base up, swirling my tongue around him. Then with one quick plunge I took him whole. "Fuck me, damn Tommy, oh that mouth so hot and wet, nnnggghhh!" Adam said. I sucked as hard as I could and swirled my tongue as I went up and down. I was loving this, we were both happy. All of a sudden Adam pulled me off by my hair and made me look at him. He kept hold of my hair until he pulled me up to his lips. Kissing me again w/ such passion I thought I was going to lose it right then. Adam whispered in my ear "I wanna do things to you Tommy, bad things. My head is swirling w/ ideas right now. I loved hearing this. "You can have me, all of me, do whatever you want w/ me" I sighed.

 

Adam got up. He took out one of my candles and found a lighter. Well this wasn't what I was expecting but, whatever. "Lie down Tommy" Adam said. I laid down, a bit tensed up. He lit the candle and let it melt a bit. "Tommy this will only hurt a bit, but it will be a good kind of hurt." He let the hot wax drip on my one nipple, I squirmed, holding my breath. Then he did the other. Oh my God, maybe it was because it was Adam, but after he did the second one, yah it did feel oddly good. Then he went down further and dropped some wax right below my belly button. I sighed. Then he kissed me there. Oh he was right, pain and pleasure all in one. Then he held the candle over me again, lower. "NO, I, don't think so.........sorry but, fuck I think that would hurt just way to bad, sorry, but I guess I have a line" I said. Adam blew out the candle, looked me in the eyes and kissed the head of my cock. Slowly he made his way up and down taking all of me over and over again. "Oh Adam I want you so bad, please" I begged. "You know what you're saying, right" Adam replied. "Yes" was all I could say.

 

"I know I am the dominant one on stage Tommy, but I want you, I want you inside me. Please. I want to be as close as I can to you." Adam said. "Really?" I said. Adam leaned over to the nightstand and pulled out the tube of lube that was there. He rubbed a thick coating on my cock and then rubbed some on himself. "Breathe Tommy, let me do this" Adam said. I could feel the head of my cock at his hole. Slowly he pushed me further in and almost out of him. Oh this was too much. I just laid there and stared at him. He was so fucking sexy, he just oozed sex appeal. I grabbed his thigh, holy shit, that felt so good. Then he settled all the way down. Just sitting there for a few seconds, I grabbed his cock and started stroking him. "Ahhh Tommy, that feels amazing, you're perfect" Adam said. He let his head fall back, arched his back and began moving slowly at first, then it became too much for the both of us. There was moaning, cursing and alot of sweat. I couldn't help my self i sat up a bit and grabbed his hips, digging my fingernails into him. He pushed me back on the bed and laughed. "Tommy, so, fucking, sexy". I bucked my hips I needed to release. "Adam, I'm gonna cum" I said. "Let it go Tommy, I want to feel you cum inside of me, I wanna see those eyes roll back in your head, do it for me, now." Adam cried. And with that, I lost all control. I have never felt anything like that in my life, that was the most intense orgasm I had ever experienced. I didn't want him to move. I wanted Adam to stay there, always. But, that wasn't going to happen. I had to come to grips w/ that, quickly. Tears fell from my eyes and I didn't hide them this time. Adam bent down and kissed them. "Let it go Tommy, let all the emotion out. I understand. Thank you for this, thank you for being honest with me and thank you for letting me share this, with you. You will always hold a special place in my heart, always."

A few weeks passed. Adam and I had seen each other a few times. Nothing like that night, just dinner or w/ friends. I still thought about him every now and then. At least now I knew he loved me but I understood why we couldn't be together. I was keeping myself busy playing w/ Monte and Isaac. Adam was off writing music for the new album. I couldn't wait until we could start recording it. It would be nice to just get away w/ just the band and go and record it somewhere.

 

A few days past and my phone rang. "Hello...........hi Adam, how are you.............sure!" I was happy to hear his voice. Soon there was a knock at the door. "Adam, hey man, come in" I didn't want him to know i was excited that he was here. "Hey Tommy, um I wanted to talk to you, in person." Adam said. "What's up?" I asked. "Well I've been thinking alot about the last time I was here" Adam said. "Oh?" I replied.  
What did he need to come over here and tell me this for. Just when I was getting comfortable being away from him. "Tommy I wanted to know if you wanted to take a little trip with me?" Adam asked. "What, me, really? Why?" I said. I was beginning to get nervous. I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. Adam followed behind me. "Tommy, please put the beer away, you drink too much, it's only 11am" Adam said. I put it back in the fridge. "I love to drink as well as anyone but dude, you do it all day, you don't need to be drunk to be yourself" Adam said.

 

I leaned against the counter. "What's up Adam, where do you want to go? And why do you want to take me with you?" I asked. Just then Adam walked over to me and put his hands on either side of me on the counter. I looked up at him and swallowed hard. This I was not expecting at all. Adam was less than an inch away from my face when he said "I haven't been able to get you out of my head since the morning after my birthday. I want you and me to go away, for awhile, like it used to be, talk, catch up, have some fun." On the word fun he pressed himself into me, I had nowhere to go. A sigh escaped my lips. He was good, he knew he could get to me. "Um sure I guess so. When do you want to leave? Where are we going. What do I need to pack? I asked "So many questions." Adam said "Sorry, I just wanted to know what to pack, haha." I said "Well you don't need to pack any clothes, unless you think it's really necessary" Adam whispered in my ear. "Fuck, Adam, stop" I said. "Really? You want me to, back away from you" Adam said as he pushed closer to me, if that were even possible. I just looked up at him and we didn't have to say anything, his lips met mine with ease. Oh I needed this. I loved him here. I wrapped my arms around him. We just stood there kissing for what seemed like forever.

 

All of a sudden the door opened. "Tommy, you home." a voice came from the living room. "Shit, in the kitchen" I said. It was Mike. Adam didn't back away from me either and I wasn't about to move. "Ah, oh! Sorry, guys. I, um, didn't know you had company Tommy." Mike said. "It's ok. Adam just came over to ask me to go on a little, um, vacation with him." I said. "Oh, really, when are you leaving?" Mike asked. "Not sure. Adam when are we leaving?" I said. "How about next week? I have some stuff to clear up this week, so." Adam said. "Ok, cool." I said. "We'll, don't let me interrupt you two, I'm just going to go to my room." Mike said as he walked away. "Well, he didn't seem happy to see me. Did I do something? Adam said. "No, nothing that I know about, he's probably just tired." I said. Adam leaned down and kissed me one more time. "I have to go, but I'll call you later, ok?" Adam said. "Absolutely!" I said a bit too excited. Adam just laughed.  
That night I was watching TV when Mike came over and sat in the chair across from me. "Hey." Mike said. "What's up dude? Adam thinks you're mad at him" I said. "Oh, sorry, just was surprised to see the two of you, um, tangled up like that." Mike said. "Oh, sorry. I couldn't help it." I said with a smile. Mike just sat there like he wanted to say something. "Tommy, if I were to get up right now and kiss you, what would you do?" Mike said. I nearly spit out my drink "What? Where did that come from? Oh, shit, you weren't'.....jealous of him, were you." I asked. Mike didn't answer. I sat up and waited for an answer. "Jealous, no, not really, I know how you feel about him and I'm glad you're happy." Mike said. "But??" I said.

 

Mike wasn't much bigger than me. But he was a little stronger. He got up and walked over to me, pushed me back on the sofa and sat on my lap facing me. He shoved his tongue down my throat, I didn't even have time to think let alone push him off. He kept kissing me, his hands tangled in my hair. He pushed me down onto the sofa, his lips never leaving mine. I couldn't breathe. He kissed down my neck and started rubbing the front of my jeans. "Mike, stop, what are you doing?" I sighed. I wasn't mad. Should I be. What the hell. His lips were back on mine. He was unbuttoning my jeans. There was no time in between, everything was going so fast. He grabbed my cock so tight I was afraid to move. "I want this........can't you see that? Did you think I was just drunk that night? I want you, all of you, I wanna feel you from the inside out." Mike said.

 

I didn't know what to do. I knew what I should do, but thinking and doing are two different things. I winced as he squeezed a litle to hard w/ his hand. Then he proceeded to rub over me w/ just enough pressure that I was having trouble thinking clearly. "Mmmmmmm, see, you love it Tommy. Don't you? I can give you what you need. You don't have to run to him." Mike said. "It's not the same" I sighed, as he continued to rub up against me. His lips were at my ear, I could feel his breath. "Come on, really, what are we doing here?" I asked. "Well I know what I wanna do, to you." Mike whispered in my ear and started kissing my neck.

"Mike.........mmmmmmmm.............stop.....................please.......................we..................." I tried to stop this, but it was too much, I caved. His lips moved to mine. "See you don't need him." Mike said. "Ever think you waited to long to tell him? Suppose finboy comes back, then what?" Mike said. I shoved Mike off of me with everything I had. He landed on the floor.

 

I went to my room and slammed the door. All I could do, was lay there on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I knew what Adam said to me but, Mike was right. What if Sauli came back? There was talk about him coming back to do some TV show, but they weren't sure if and when that would be. So much going through my mind. I just wanted to call Adam, but I knew he was busy this week, plus, my thoughts were getting the better of me. I didn't want anything to slip out of my mouth that I couldn't take back

 

My phone rang. It scared me. The room was so quiet. "Hello. Hello?......... umm not a good idea coming over here, I'll come to your house.....oh. Alright. I'll meet you there." I said and hung the phone up. Adam sounded a bit odd. I'm not going to analyze this. I got my keys and headed out to the diner. Adam and I loved this diner. It was nice and out of the way. I got there before him. I grabbed a table in the back. Finally, Adam got there. He walked back. "Hey, there, how are you?" I said. "I'm ok, I guess. Look I really need to talk to you. " Adam said. "Well, I guess we can talk, we're in a public place." I said. Adam gave me a half smile. "Okay, what's going on Adam? You look serious, spill it." I said with a bit of an edge.

 

I had a feeling I wasn't going to want to hear what he had to say. "Let me guess, we are not going away next week? Business, or pleasure keeping you from your promise?" I asked. Adam stared at the table. "Um, kinda both, I guess." "Look at me! Adam, fucking look me in the eyes and tell me he isn't coming back here?" I said. Adam said nothing. "Fuck you!! I'm so stupid. I spill my guts to you, you make promises to me......what the hell does he have that I don't? When is he coming back!!!?" I was getting mad now. Adam looked up at me. "I've been thinking alot about this for the past couple days......" Adam started to say.  
"Past. Couple. Days? Are you serious? Oh my fucking God, He's been here for how long now? Ya know what I don't give a shit. Thanks alot Adam, have a fucking blast wherever you go with him. I'm sure I'll see all about it when the pictures come out." I was almost yelling. "What is that supposed to mean?" Adam asked. "Oh seriously, come on. The paparazzi are everywhere you are, why is that Adam?" I started to walk away. "Tommy please, I'm sorry. " Adam tried to talk to me. "Bye, Adam!"

 

I decided to go to the bar down the street from our house. At least I could walk home or someone would call someone if I needed a ride. Right now, I couldn't care less about anything. I just sat at the bar. It had been about 3 hours now and I think I was becoming numb. Next thing I know there comes Mike. Great I thought. But I was so drunk, I didn't care. "Hello there!!" I said to Mike. He just laughed a little and said "I'm assuming, things didn't go so well?"

I just sat and stared at my drink. "Want to talk, Tommy?"

 

I'm not going to say I told you so" Mike said. "Gee thanx" I snapped. "I'm serious. Come on lets get out of here. I think you've had enough for now" Mike said. When we got back to the house, it all just hit me. I had waited too long and Adam moved on. We knew how we felt about each other, but we had agreed it wasn't the right time. Never seemed to be the right time. What the hell was I so scared of? Now, here I sit, empty. Guess the saying you don't know what you got 'til it's gone, is true. I felt my heart breaking in a million pieces. This wasn't just Lust. I was in love with Adam. Apparently more than I was even aware. I just sat in my room. I closed the world out. I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone and I didn't dare go online cause I'm sure there were going to be pictures and I don't think my heart could take anymore.

 

"Tommy!" Mike said as he knocked on my door. I didn't answer. "Come on Tommy, you've been in your room for 2 days. You gotta come out sometime. Come on man, I'm here if you want to talk to someone. I give you an hour and then I'm breaking down the door." Mike said. I unlocked the door and went back to sitting in the corner on the floor. Mike walked in. "Why, are you on the floor?" Mike came in and sat in front of me. I just put my head down. "Tommy, talk to me. Look up at me at least." Mike said.

 

I just started crying, again. "Oh, man, have you been in here doing this for the past 2 days?" By the look of my face and my eyes I didn't really have to answer that. I could not believe I even had any tears left to cry. I felt like I was dying, like my heart was just ripped out and stomped on. "Do you want me to call someone for you? Can I get you anything?" Mike said. I physically could not move. I felt like stone. I just looked at Mike and sobbed, harder than I have ever cried before. Mike came over and put his arm around me. I put my arms around him, put my head against his chest and just totally broke down. He just sat there with me in my room, for hours. I had finally fallen asleep, well passed out was probably more like it.

 

We woke up later that day. Some how he carried me to bed. I don't even remember him moving me. I rolled over, he was still asleep. I just laid there. Everything yet nothing going through my head. My head was killing me. I got up to get something for my headache. I came back and Mike was starting to wake up. I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up. He rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. "Thanks Mike, for all of this. I'm really sorry. You must think I'm a real mess." I said. "You are a real mess, sorry, but it's understandable." Mike said. "I never knew this would hit me so hard. I haven't cried like this since my dad passed away. I feel absolutely empty." I said. "I'm sorry. I had no idea you loved him this much. But, this just pisses me off about him even more. How can he come over here, be with you, say all that stuff, plan a vacation, all while he's got another guy at the house for who knows how long? Especially when you thought he went home." Mike said. I didn't have the strength to be mad.

 

A few days passed and I forced myself to check my email, twitter, etc. Monte and Mike kept me busy with practice for the gigs and trying to write some music for Mouthlike. Adam was slowly becoming a dull ache in the back of my mind. I was ok most of the time, unless I was alone. I was at the point of being very mad at Adam. Everyday I just tried blocking him out, but I couldn't, who was I kidding? This was going to take a long time. The worst part was not knowing, why. One day we are planning to go away together and the next day I find out there has been someone else all the while, stringing me on. What was I? A 'just incase it doesn't work out option B?' I felt so used. So hurt, so betrayed. I went from flying high to rock bottom in like 72hrs. I needed to get away.

 

I packed some stuff and left Mike a note. I headed up the coast to a beach my family and I used to go to. I got a room at the hotel and I headed out to the beach. I t was beautiful here. I just sat watching the sunset. Not many people were on the beach. It was nice to just sit here and listen to the waves crash. I laid down and closed my eyes.

 

My phone rang around 9pm and woke me up. I didn't answer it. I gathered my stuff and went back to the hotel I decided to take a shower and maybe go out for something to eat. When I got out of the shower, my phone was buzzing again. This was nice. The silence. I had so much going through my head right now. I guess I was calming down. I was beginning to realize there was no reason to be mad at Adam. We had both made the decision before that it just wasn't time. But why would he do this to me? That I couldn't understand.  
I just hung around my room the next day watching movies. Somewhere around 4pm my phone rang. I probably wouldn't have even looked at it but I was holding my cell in my hand. When I looked down, it was Adam. I hesitated but figured I might as well answer. "Hello. I said

 

I had been dreading this conversation. But might as well get it over with. "Tommy, you ok?" Adam asked. Was he serious? "Never felt better." I said. He knew I was lying. "I'm sorry Tommy. Really I am. I totally wasn't expecting you to like me back. I got caught up in the idea. Can I please talk to you in person? I don't want to do this over the phone." Adam said. "Are you serious?" I asked. "Please, I'm just as confused as you are." Adam said. "Trust me, I don't think so." I said. "Please Tommy, I just need to see you. Adam said. Just closed my eyes. God I missed him so much, how could this possibly be a good idea? But, I agreed. I told him where I was. I didn't think Mike would tell him that. He was a bit shocked that I went away for a few days by myself. I think I scared him. Good!

 

Adam knocked on my door. I was actually nervous. Why? I opened the door and Adam wrapped his arms around me. We just stood there. Hugging, for the longest time. This was not going to be easy. "I missed you Tommy, I feel horrible. Please forgive me." Adam said. Damn it. I tried so hard, I bit my lip, but I just couldn't control myself, I broke down in Adams arms. He walked me over to the chair and sat me down. I couldn't stop the tears. He just sat there in front of me until I calmed down a bit. "Wow, is this really how you were when I was gone? Damn, Mike wasn't exaggerating." Adam said. "What? Mike? What are you talking about?" I asked. "Mike told me what a reck you were when I left but, this, I'm sorry. I called the house and Mike told me where you went." Adam said. "Really?" I said "Yeah he said he's really worried about you." Adam said. I grinned. "Guess he's got a reason to really hate me now" Adam said. "He doesn't hate you. I said. "well, he doesn't like me much either, does he? Adam asked. "No, I mean yeah he was mad at you for what you did He's my friend. Apparently, a better friend than I thought" I said.

 

I got up and walked to the window. "adam, this was not easy for me, opening up to you like I did. When you told me he had been here, while you were here with me, I thought I was going to die. You ripped my heart out. Do you even know how that felt?" I said. Adam didn't answer. He got up walked behind me and just stood there. I can't believe I was still, after everything that happened, just wanted his arms around me. I closed my eyes and sighed. Adam moved closer. I could sense him right behind me. He put his hand on my shoulder. I dropped my head. What the hell am I thinking. Then his other hand on my other shoulder. Why weren't my feet moving? Why was I still standing here? I should be walking away. "Tommy, I'm so very sorry, honestly." Adam said. I took a deep breath. I turned around, his arms fell from my shoulders. I looked up to say something to him, but our eyes met. Everything I felt for the past couple days, disappeared. Damn it. I still loved him. We just stood there. Nothing was said. But it was quite clear the feelings were still there, for both of us.

 

Adam grabbed me by the waist with one hand and pulled me to him with his other hand on the back of my neck. Oh how I've missed him. We kissed like we never kissed before. There was so much passion behind this kiss. I had to pull away to catch my breath, but Adam just pulled me back. We were so lost in each other. If there was a heaven, this was it. Adam started down my neck. Biting, teasing, sucking on my collar bone purposely leaving a mark. "Oh God. Adam, what's going on here?" I said breathlessly. My head was starting to spin. I couldn't help the moans that escaped my lips. His lips, his tongue, his teeth. "Adam, don't. Please stop. My heart can't take this again." I said. Of course he didn't stop because deep down we both knew I didn't want him to. He started to push my pants down. I backed up and looked at him. "Do you think you can just take whatever you want Adam?" I asked. "I'm not taking anything. I'm giving something to someone we both know wants this." Adam said

 

I couldn't deny it. I wanted him so bad. He pulled me in again. We walked towards the bed, getting our clothes off as fast as possible. He pushed me by the shoulders to the floor. I took all of him in. Adam moaned with every movement I made. Then he grabbed the back of my hair and made me look at him. I took him again. I loved sucking his cock. Adam was loving it to. Suddenly he pulled me up to my feet by my hair. He pushed me back on the bed and got on his knees and took me in his mouth. His fingers digging in my thighs. I had a handful of his hair. "Unggggh. Promise me you won't stop. Fuck!" I said. Adam sucked as hard as he could. Oh I couldn't help but start to move my hips. I needed to cum so bad. "Come for me tommy, now." Adam whispered. It didnt take much after that. Adam licked and sucked and dug his fingers into my ass. That just threw me over the edge. I came so hard in Adams mouth. He swallowed every drop.

 

I fell back on the bed. I was breathing so heavy. "Get up on the bed Tommy." Adam said. There was no wasting time in between anything we were doing. Adam spread my legs and slowly worked me w/ his finger. I was so high right now, no drug could do this. Then he pushed two fingers, thrusting in and out hitting that sweet spot everytime. He pulled them out, spit on his hand and rubbed his cock. He wasted no time thrusting himself into me. "FUCK!!!!" I screamed. I just laid there taking all this in. "OH Adam I love when you fuck me." I said. "I know baby." Adam answered. He shoved all the way into me and just held himself there, bent down and kissed me and said "I'm gonna cum in that sweet little ass of yours." I just moaned into his mouth. Two quick thrusts and I could feel him cumming. "Oh Tommy. So........fucking.....tight. AAAhhhhhh." Adam said

 

Adam pulled out and rolled over. I grabbed my cock and started pumping it hard. Adam grabbed my balls and grinned "Really Tommy?" "Shut the fuck up, this is your.........uggghhhhh.......fuck....oh....God....FAULT!" I said as I came all over mine and Adams hands.

We just laid there. I didn't even know what to say after that. I knew Adam would have to leave soon. I had to accept that. Adam squeezed me close to him. "Now what?" he said. "Hell if I know" I said. I rolled over and kissed him, then buried my head in his chest. "I love you" I had to say it. "I know it doesn't change anything, but I do. I just needed to let you know"" I said. "I know. How come they say you can't love two people at the same time? Why not. And that if you had to pick one, you should pick the second because obviously the first one didn't make you happy? My first choice made me very happy. The only reason I fell in love w/ Sauli was because, I couldn't have my Tommy or so I thought. I never would have thought you would even consider being with me." Adam said. "We have a problem her then don't we?" I said. "Kinda, wow this sucks. I refuse to lose you as a friend Tommy." Adam said. "Good, cause I'm not going anywhere" I said.

 

If I couldn't have Adam in my bed anymore, I still needed him in my life. "Can I tell you something?" I said. "of course" Adam said. "I think Mike is a bit into me. Ok, he is." I said. Adam laughed. "Really?! Well, I'd approve. He cares about you alot" Adam said. I explained what went on between Mike and I. Adam said I should go for it if it would make me happy. I said we would see what happens. I told him I really liked Liz still, but who knows where this ride was going to lead us. "I'm just going to enjoy it from now on, life is too short" I said. Adam smiled and kissed me. "You're a very special person TommyJoe. I mean that from the bottom of my heart." Adam said. "Thanks Adam. I owe this life and this lifestyle to you. I'm never bored anymore that's for sure." I said. "Sure, I'll take full responsibility for bringing out the little princess in you. Hahaha. You love it!" Adam said.

 

Neither of us wanted to get up. We made love one more time, then it was time for showers and goodbyes. Alright, it was ONE shower and a VERY long goodbye. "Thank you Adam. I'm so glad to know you." I said. "Same here" Adam said. We hugged and Adam said "Hey, how 'bout we do something fun this week? Let's go get tattoos together again?" "Great idea, call me" I said. It felt like old times again, kinda like when we first met.

 

After Adam left I packed up my stuff. Time to get back to reality. On the trip home, I was thinking back to what happened today. Adam and I would always be close. I was going to be ok. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe one day, it will be the right time, but honestly, right now, WE BOTH KNOW, IT ISN'T TIME. Our careers just beginning, working together. I didn't want to ruin this friendship. Besides, the friends w/ benefits thing didn't sound so bad, to me anyway. I laughed at that thought. On the other hand Adam was right. Why isn't it ok to love more than one person at a time? I t didn't matter, we were very comfortable w/ each other. If this was the last time he was to be in my bed, so be it. I still had my friend.

 

I got back to the house, dropped my bag on the floor I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. 'What a week' I thought. Mike came out to the dining room and stood behind my chair. He hugged me and asked if I was ok. I told him actually, I was. I explained to him what happened, well, he didn't need to know everything that happened. I got up and told Mike I didn't want things to be awkward between us. I told him what Adam said about him. "Really?" Mike said. He was shocked. He thought Adam didn't like him. "Quite the opposite, after talking to you, he actually said you were a good guy." I said. "Really??" MIke said. I asked mike to sit down on the couch with me. "You've been a very good friend through all of this and for that, I am very grateful. About what has been going on with you and me.........." I started to say. "I know, I'm sorry. I swear I wasn't taking advantage of you and the situation. I hated seeing you so unhappy, I had to do something." Mike said. "I know. After Adam told me he had no clue I had feelings this strong for him, I was shocked. Then, I thought about you. I never thought, well we'd be in this situation." I said. "I'm not going to say sorry" Mike said. "Good, because I don't think I want you to." I said.

 

"OH!" Mike said, surprised. We both smiled at each other. Mike just stared at me, looked at my lips and back to my eyes. I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. He laughed and smiled. I put my arms around him and moved closer to him. It was like this was our fist kiss. The ones before this, didn't count. Damn, I thought. Am I actually, Happy? I think I could get there. This could be a good thing. "look Mike, I don't' want you to think I'm using you or anything. I just needed you to know that. You've been a great friend to me. The past couple days showed me just how great and I thank you." I said. "I really do like you Tommy. I knew you would understand my curiosity. I just didn't know if you would be so understanding, knowing it was you that had me curious." Mike said. "Well I was a little surprised, I must admit. But obviously, I wasn't turned off when you, um, decided to act on your curiosity." I laughed. "Funny! Oh we were so drunk that night." Mike laughed too. I looked at Mike and put my hands on his cheek. "Well we're not drunk now. Do you want to talk about this more?" I asked. He just looked at me, pulled himself close. "Um, no, not really." He said. Our lips met. It was such a, different feeling. I definitely felt something for Mike. But up until now, I didn't realize how much more I think I lusted after Adam rather than how much I love him.

But this, just feels, different.

THE END


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